5 Animals That Barely Passed the Driver’s Safety Exam

1. Pigs

Pigs are not meant to be ridden, which is exactly why my unnamed source and her little childhood friends tried to ride them. I suppose kids growing up in semi-rural Alabama in the 1960’s didn’t have many other entertainment options.

“We used to sneak out to this pig pen out by the woods, and we’d jump on those pigs’ backs and grab on to that coarse hair, and hold on as long as we could. And those pigs just hated it - they would squeal and SQUEAL. We fell off real quick, cause they’d start runnin’.” - Unnamed Source

2. Mules

I have an idea! Let’s carve a teensy-weensy, narrow little trail alongside a sheer cliff-face that drops down into a deep, rocky abyss. Then let’s mount a guy on a stubborn little mule and let him ride down to the bottom of the abyss, with only the mule between him and a freefall that would end in immediate death on the stones below! People will pay MONEY for this! WE’LL MAKE A KILLING (pun not intended)!

Aw, man, the U.S. National Parks Service beat me to it.

I have to admit that I’ve never heard of anyone having a fatal accident during a mule-riding excursion at the Grand Canyon. That doesn’t mean that it has never happened though. What do you know about it?

3. Llamas

The U.S. National Parks Service apparently provides visitors with a variety of draught animal experiences at a number of its parks. At Yellowstone National Park, you can go “llama packing.”

Contrary to popular belief, llama packing does not involve an outing with pistol-carrying llamas. It involves back-packing with a llama who, in exchange for frequent grazing stops, will help you carry your supplies. Particularly good-natured llamas might even refrain from spitting on you.

4. Donkeys

Australians have known for years that the donkey is one of a soldier’s best friends. Take, for example, Private J.S. Kirkpatrick, who became known as “The Man With the Donkey.” Using his donkeys for transport, he carried more than 300 wounded soldiers to medical aid stations at Gallipoli in Australia during WWI.

Now the donkey is continuing its brave legacy as the next big thing in anti-lion security. Today’s models come fully equipped with your choice of machete, katana, or broadsword.

If you want the same lion defense system in a smaller size, try the slightly more petite “burro,” imported directly from Central America.

5. Zebras

With their striking bi-colored coats, zebras may be considered the fashionistas of the Equidae family, or perhaps the Ferraris of equine transport.

I’ve read that zebras are more easily spooked than domestic horses, but if you feel like you can handle one, just stroll on out to Zebras ‘R’ Us and pick one off the lot, er, pasture!

With prices starting at $4,000, you’ll probably be able to afford one a lot more easily than you could afford that Ferrari.

Stay tuned for more rideable animals, coming soon to a blog post near you!

-MJ, aka Kitty Mowmow